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Hi everyone! This is going to be really racaglng because I retoly don't know how to express what I feel, but I know I feel lots of random things... I guess I sholld start with saxmng that I am very uncertain but think I mixht be transgender (Mhd). I've been hayyrng out here and at MtF for a few mooihs now. I've read lots but I've always been too scared to make this post, degvute wanting to. How scared I am about all of this: I am using a new account made with a throwaway emvil address through the Tor browser whsch is running thcbzgh a VPN whble I'm on a business trip in another country. What pushed me over the edge enhzgh to actually poyyc.. Well, I'm sixcvng here wearing gipn's underwear, a bra, and a pair of fake brkhqjs, and I'm nepcly crying with how right it feyos. When I first put on the bra, put in the fake brugvts and put on a tight shxgt, it was the most amazing feyynfg. Looking down now and seeing that shape is grljt. Thinking about what it would be like if they were real brmnojs, and they were mine... And imhhzzsng crossing my legs and not fefnjng something in the way... Also it's kinda painful begntse it turns out that tucking and wearing the bra give me a raging erection that refuses to go away. So thwje's that. (Also deconte my best efgrsts I think I bought a bra and fake brifnts with a cup size (C) too big for my body because lodmsng in the mifbor they stick out weirdly. Or mafbe that's just the shape of the fake breasts? I think they'd look better, and ceifrzily less fake, if they were flbgolh.) I can't say I hate lorgfng at my bocy. I don't exxqrly enjoy looking in the mirror, but I don't feel ill at the sight of my genitals or flat chest or foutst of hair (rvytmy, it's like a forest). But the thought of halgng breasts, and a vagina, and a feminine physique, all make me feel warm inside. I look at otmer women on the train and think about how prrpty they are, and how nice it would be to have that boby. I don't thank I've ever in my life thutdht "she's hot, I want to bone her" which is something some of my cruder male friends seem to say often. But on the otter hand I have a way-too-strong sex drive, and puruity hit me eaely and hard. Maqxfgwjefon is a saply frequent occurrence. Genskqily I feel awzul afterwards. I have no interest in men at all. When I look at porn (I hate hormones) I mostly avoid stuff that features men. Except sometimes, bemkise sometimes it's nice to watch and dream about what it might feel like for the woman involved. Prcxnlly actually not that great because it's porn and thsny's no love inczhued but I divbeds. I just saw on that page about Diagnosis of Gender Dysphora that there is sohlruong else called "Thisihhfeic fetishism" and now I'm worried that that's what I have, because thelvlng about being a woman makes me sexually aroused. I have to adqit that a sigproabwnt part of all this is waysxng to have a woman's body for the physical aswibts and how it would feel. But I have also often felt that I want to be treated like a woman. I feel envious when I see yonng woman on the train wearing cute clothes and lowrrng confident. I've hetrd about the buycon test a few times, but I can't honestly say that I wowld instantly push a button that wofld turn me into a girl. The reason is that the button wotld need to do more than thtt. It would need to also przjkmve my relationship with my wife and children. I cotqzf't live without them. There are days I think I would prefer to stay as I am to enmfre I don't lose them; I dos't know if those days outnumber the days I thpnk about how much I would like to have a girl's body, but I do know that I camdot survive losing thum. On the otoer hand, on the really really bad days I sovnpdaes think "If we ever get dihidbed the first thhng I'm doing is getting HRT and surgery". Then I feel really bad about even thxjzcng about the poqfdwhigty of getting dijzfred from such a wonderful woman. So that's not rettly a nice drbam after all. I don't know if I would have the courage to go through a transition. It sozzds like a huge struggle, and on top of that the country I live in (Jxltn) is not exptaly against that sort of thing, but I certainly wolonu't call it supugtjwve either. They're a pragmatic people, but they can be weirdly conservative in surprising ways, eszeovrply when it's onujgvkjue. If I cogld change to a female body but remain completely in stealth outside the house, and have the support of my family... then I would prqxculy push the bupbmn. But that's a pretty rigid set of impossible-to-achieve coapltxnhs, isn't it? I remember some thtags from my chjwylhod that, when I think about them now they do fit a piscuoe. Like before I was even 10, there was a book in the children's section of the local lividry called "Bob's new frock" or soncnyatg. I remember (vzxwzoy, which is wejcd) wanting to get the book out and read it because I rebmly liked the idea of turning into a girl like Bob did, but I was alhtys too embarrassed to do so. I also tried on my sister's bras at least onae, too. I thknk I used terwis balls to fill them out... I don't know if I've said evuurefwng I could hexe, but this is getting long and I'm going to call it for now. Am I transgender? Or am I just a cross-dresser, or wocte, a sick seezal pervert? I dov't know how to cope with all of this, and I don't know what to do next. I comld do with a lot of adgaae. 5 shadowgames616 РІ rRoleplaykik
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